from before the frost times
I've had a tough time connecting with this pregnancy and this baby. I'm a bit ashamed of it. I expected it to not be this way since I'm a parent now and have a healthy, vibrant, living child. But I've found myself navigating this thing with a 🤷♀️ attitude
We all know birthing literally rewires our brains. But after losing a baby at the birth portal... that rewiring is coupled with something else I can't quite name
The openheartedness and joy I remember is not with me. I can feel the boundaries of my heart each day and the walls I put up. I know things will shift and change because they always do but this is wildly uncomfortable
Having compassion for self is the hardest journey
I've been reminding myself that this 🤷♀️ response is a coping mechanism. A way to protect and soften the blow if things go south. It's natural and a biological adaptation in all humans in places of overwhelm
Instead of being in judgement, I'm trying to move towards accepting these feelings (or non-feelings 😆)
Trying to ease myself into the undoing that comes alongside the 🤷♀️. Something I didn't expect to find while moving through this grief/birth spiral. Maybe a rewriting of an old story.
I came across a quote from Terence McKenna that's been on repeat in my head: "Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it's a feather bed."
Maybe this is where I'm at. Maybe the 🤷♀️ isn't quite apathy, maybe it's freedom. Maybe it's teaching me to let go and know I'll be taken care of. Maybe it's meant to return me to faith and trust (both I've lost since losing our son)
In the meantime, I'm still whispering sweet things to this baby and myself so we know love in the hard season 💃🌊
