a little raindrop hammocked in a lupine = me
sovereignty is something that has been a prime directive over the past couple years
the constant work/play to get myself free and less encumbered
I remember years ago driving back through the Berkshires from a tarot session with @sheilaahite and listening to Bob Marley's last performance in Pittsburgh from 1980
I've listened a million times, but after a powerful and magical session about the direction of the business, the words hit differently and lined up perfectly with what the guides/Sheilaa brought through
got to "Them Belly Full" and the lyrics laid out the path forward for me so clearly:
"them bully full, but we hungry/ a hungry mob is an angry mob/ the rain a fall, but the dirt too tough/ a pot to cook, but the food not nuff"
a pot to cook but the food not nuff 🤯 fuck, what a line
this song is about the rich and poor rising up through circumstance and getting free through honoring Jah
nothing else leads to salvation and ends the hunger we all feel
this memory popped into my head because the Beast of Insatiablity is making it's presence known in my life these days
it's a force that is never satisfied
it keeps us eating when we're full, angry when we're settled, fighting for the sake of fighting
hardens our heart to any softening
whatever it is, it keeps us enslaved to something outside of ourselves because of a lack inside of ourselves
seems that Bob was really preaching that Jah (God/Universe/Nature/big nothing) is the only thing that will set us free from the terror of a never-ending hunger
can't help but think that the closer to the path of righteousness I walk, the clearer my conscience/consciousness will be
for sure life will not be easy-- but it will be manageable because I know I've got backup always putting circumstances into perspective
lessons and growth
not sure about it all but wanted to share
if you need me I will be baking bars that actually NOURISH and maybe help remind how singularly special each of you/us are
a jewel in the crown of God
a smiling face bathed in the rays of the sun
in my spare time, I'll be Borrowers-sized and curled up in this little gem on a lupine
overidentifying with disease
Celiac Awareness Month: over-identifying with disease
when you're struggling to figure out a health crisis, all of your energy and focus goes into it
who am I joking... it's not like you have any control over what you're doing
you're completely within its grasp and ground down by the daily struggle
some days are clearer than others, but until you get better it's really a crapshoot
in my case, once I figured out what was wrong with me, I found that I was over-identifying with my disease (see even the possessive language of MY disease still shows ownership🤦♀️)
it does make sense-- when getting better is about your literal survival it becomes what you live and breathe
when every meal has the potential to get you sick, every meal then becomes a step on the slow road toward death or toward life
but...
there was a time, years after, where I started to see that this label "I have Celiac Disease" became something that was so aligned with WHO I WAS that it was really holding me back from LIVING
I heard a lyric from a Tori Amos song this week (in reference to anorexia): "I turned myself inside out in hopes someone would see"
that line brought me back to how much I held onto the CD label to show others (and myself) how much pain I went through
especially since that pain was so silent and internal
instead of processing the emotional pain within myself (because I had for so many years!), I learned to externalize it
seems like a smart adaptation
and most certainly a way to garner sympathy and attention in hopes someone would see what I was going through
wild what these moments do to us and for us
and now I can only have sympathy for myself
what a sad and lonely experience to have a chronic autoimmune condition without the empowerment of knowing what's wrong and the tools to fix it
sad to live in that fear every single day and hate your body for the pain it causes
this is the story of many with chronic illness or disease (or even dis-ease)
light at then end of the tunnel, but a long journey in the mucky darkness
Celiac and psychedelics
Celiac Disease and psychedelics: I spent a number of years sick and a number of years attempting to get better once I figured out my diagnosis
It's truly amazing the physical and psychological toll living with an autoimmune disease can have
I buried the pain so deeply in my body it took a very long time to root it out
I spent so much time distrusting my body-- feeling as if it was failing me and literally hell-bent on killing me from the inside out
After dropping 30lbs one summer, I was living with ongoing diarrhea and having neurological issues, there was only one doctor (out of many i went to) who believed my symptoms and then tested my guts absorption
Not having much guidance in the early days, I really took ownership of my failings and wallowed in the shame around "disease"
When every single thing you put in your body has the potential to either heal you or hurt you, you really start to bow down in the face of it all
I started welcoming psychedelics into my life when I was 18 and began really using it as a tool for deeper work in my early 20s
I remember during a few sessions with mushrooms I was brought into the pit of my gut and shown the stacks and stacks of proverbial shit I had in there
All of the attachments to my pain and shame from doctors telling me my problem was in my head was stored there alongside the literal shit
I could feel the mushrooms guiding me back to myself, allowing me to release the gut knots, and reminding me to trust that EVOLUTION has brought me here just by showing me the story
This really helped me understand on a much more realistic level that if we're not actively honest and processing our feelings/experiences our body will certainly keep score
My gut was the site of so much warfare
Even while I was healing-- years after being gluten free-- I still held on to the tightness of my pain in the folds on my intestines
Being able to work with a medicine that was able to show me this was something I needed
It showed me how to shed and that it was okay to release my gut from the grips of my trauma
I slowly unwound and found a new center of balance
And a support system to digest the food AND the feelings around the food
Celiac Awareness Month
Celiac Disease + Body Intelligence: hey it's Celiac Awareness Month and I though I'd share this week's glutening!
There are times I think my issues with gluten are just in my head. I convince myself that regardless of the diagnosis, I most certainly don't have THAT serious of a reaction 🤦♀️ Like a fool I think this because I stay relatively healthy, eat at home, and am unexposed to gluten
I feel that way until I get glutened again
I've been dealing with a reaction all week and it's truly amazing how it unfolds
The symptoms are like a old friend I know very very well
They start the same way each time. It typically takes my system 18 hours to fully respond after exposure
The "death farts" start first. Horrendously putrid and a sign that my gut is getting ready to purge
Then I pass literally everything that is in my digestive tract, all day long
Then the body aches start, followed by the brain fog, eye twitching, stiff joints (knees and wrists this time!), and then days of nausea. Lot of anxiety too
All until I'm completely empty and cleaned out
Since I haven't had a full blown reaction like this in some time, the distance made it interesting. I felt like an observer of my own body and completely in awe over it's intelligence
Everything makes sense
The way my gut lets go of everything because it knows gluten (a fucking protein!) is harmful to my system
How this would cause system wide inflammation expressed as aches, stiff joints, and stomach pain
Then being in a sympathetic state, it moves along to my nervous system in twitching, brain fog, and anxiety
Then it makes sure I'm nauseous for a few days because everything it has been through, but also to secure that I don't eat too much to tax my digestive system
It's genius really
A marvel of design
My body can so easily communicate with me about the food I put into it, it's likes and dislikes, and when it needs to involuntarily detox
I'm used to most of the digestive symptoms, but the anxiety (so emptied out that I can literally feel its origin point is in my gut!) leaves me so shaky I get scared
Working through though🤞 gluten reactions are so different person to person
Haupia is back BTW!🤣
watermelon baby
"The things that I've loved,
The things that I've lost,
The things I've held sacred that I've dropped"
These lyrics have been on repeat in my head (Audioslave, Doesn't Remind Me, btw)
Considering more and more how we're creatures of change and flux, adjustment and readjustment
All in a bid to return to homeostasis and maintain balance after a bit of chaos
The vessel taking in and letting out
This seems to be how I learn and grow
Life-chaos-readjustment-integration
The versions of ourselves that have existed over time are part of a remarkable evolution
Even though we shift who we are while working through this life, it's beautiful that fragments of self stick around
I was dipping into memories the other day with @brandon.of.bjerke and reminding myself of the feelings I had watching Dirty Dancing
When I was Bea's age it was my favorite movie (along with Ghostbusters!)
I have very warm memories of watching the scene when Baby brings the watermelon to the staff party 👌❤ when "Love Man" from Otis Redding drops, there is literally nothing better
That little bit of chaos in the system changed Baby and really set her on the path toward liberation and self-ownership
Child to woman or innocence to experience
Those feelings are bound to my DNA in some wild way that I can drop into them and feel the purity and rawness when I listen to that song
Despite being 34 years separated from 3 year old me, there is so much overlap
Scary as it might be because I fuck up all the time, but parenting is truly the most significant job
Some of the things I model now and some of the experiences Bea will have will stick around regardless of all the upgrades to her system (heart, spirit, emotion, mind)
No matter how much we change, there are parts of us that are the same
Anyway, here is a midnight collage of Francis "Baby" Houseman and all the lovely things that came through when dipping into HER legacy and my own Hebrew lines
Life bursting forward with Baby the Goddess, bowing at the foot of her altar
Things I still hold sacred
shimmering cool glass
At acupuncture yesterday, I felt myself on the table but also outside of my body-- as if I was both a physical and a spiritual body experiencing and witnessing itself at the same time
Just before this I was doing some visualization work for my womb; to welcome back my cycle after recently having a miscarriage
I saw my womb as a giant shimmering cool glass bowl filled with fruits and veg
I moved my arms over the bowl to fill it and opened my arms away from the bowl to let it go-- intuitively mimicking the build up and flow of blood in the uterus
Taking in and letting out, infinite flow
Anyway the bowl turned into a woven basket
In that basket was the whole of my life represented as individually wrapped up items
I was shown all of "Monica"-- my experiences, my characteristics, my likes, my dislikes, my habits-- as things I can pick up and let go of whenever I want
I settled into my spirit body to feel what it was like without the attachments of self-- all those things that define me
There was a freedom and anxiety with letting myself exist in that space-- it felt like a jacket on a hanger in a closet not really being used and not really mine
I stuck with this to feel it out and then started asking questions about why I was anxious letting go of parts of myself
I felt pride well up in my chest about who I am and what I have been through in this life
None of these things really felt like they were weighing me down
They felt like old friends I never want to part with, but also a bit detached from
After session, I get in the car and start listening to Into the Wild by John Krakauer (just finished Into Thin Air!)
The story is about Christopher McCandless-- a 22yo who drops everything familiar (his life, his family, his possessions, even his name) to find himself. Krakauer describes dropping all the markers of "you" to get free, wild, transcendent experience
McCandless didn't have the best end, but weird and wonderful coincidences of timing after those transmissions on the acupuncture table
Will not be trekking into the Alaskan bush anytime soon 👌 rewild myself is the mantra though
Also: carrot + beet mochi sticky buns w/ pecan paste
IWD
nternational Women's Day: here to pop your balloon on IWD 😝 not gonna lie, things are stacked against small businesses and we're all struggling right now
Between absorbing inflation, non-stop supply shortages, and the annual mid-winter upstate slump, many of us are having a particularly difficult time trying to run our individual shows
Spoke with a few ladies who own food businesses over the past couple days and we're all beat
The relentless pivoting and adaptation and creativity (when all we want to do is dial it in) gets exhausting
But we're all doing what we love, riiiight? 🤣👌
Running a business in a pandemic with the world being on the verge of a hot war feels like a lot
We were negotiating details on a space where we could bake, offer classes, do community dinners, and just have a kitchen that is not in our home (btw those baked goods are made in our house). This was the third year we were trying to make it work in this specific location and the owner pulled out...again
This has happened to us so many times over the decade since I've started Happy Belly
Probably thankful considering that rising gas prices will effect all of our supplies, shipping costs, and delivery costs. Maybe we dodged a bullet 🤷♀️ but it seems like I say that every time
Honestly it feels like we take 2 steps forward and 5 steps back
The $ needed to run, fund, and grow a food business is out of reach for many of us so we keep staying small
We wanted to buy an 800sqft building which was relatively affordable. Commercial loans require 25% down which meant $30k. Plus $10k for closing costs, tax amortization, lawyers, and permits. Plus the kitchen buildout at about $15k (if we budget) between equipment and labor. All to get into a $120k building (while funding operating expenses and not trying to temporarily close). Can't afford that, so we're left to the instability of renting
This is why small businesses go out of business. The movement upward cuts out many people who don't have access to funds
So fucking hug your fav small business owner the next time you see her because the weight of keeping things together in this climate are suffocating her more than you can imagine
boundaries might be bullshit
new shipping stickers ❤ Guanyin the Mercy-full
been thinking a lot about boundaries and their functions
hot contrarian take 🔥👌
boundaries miiiiight be bullshit
I honestly don't know anymore if acknowledging and reinforcing our boundaries is a good thing
I think they allow people to hide behind their pain and stick with their unprocessed shit by putting up the wall of "healthy boundaries"
what is actually healty?
what is actually unhealthy?
I do this all the time: in an effort to stop feeling uncomfortable with pain or my trauma or my tiggers or the more tender work needed to understand why I need the damn boundaries in the first place, I put up a boundary to have distance and not stay present
but I've been coming to this bigger question because my meditation practice and deep dives into Buddhism and Daoism are boundary dissolving to their core
to touch the infinite (in ourselves, others, the universe), we bring ourselves to the absolute brink (boundary of our comfort zone)
we feel out the limit and then we jump off the fucking cliff
THIS dissolution has always brought me CLOSER to life
I don't know if boundaries push us away from things-- maybe they bring us closer to ourselves, but I'm not so sure anymore
maybe it's about the container and the context
permeable boundaries with an abusive parent is a terrible idea, permeable boundaries when exploring the self is a good idea
is that even true?
I could make a case that the opposite could be helpful (I've learned a ton of valuable lessons wading in those waters)
and who is teaching us to turn boundaries on and off-- showing us when they're good to use and when they're not good to use
I see more and more people weaponizing their boundaries and their trauma-- which always seems so bound up, making them kind of untouchables, who are above feeling the human shit we are designed to feel
questions on my mind 🤷♀️
with Guanyin reminding me that ego is okay, pain is okay, confusion is okay, self righteousness is okay, boundaries are okay, no boundaries are okay, trauma is okay, bodies are okay, emotions are okay, mercy is okay, prostration is okay 👌 all is okay
grumpy nanny
real talk Friday
since we're in the "wellness space" I see SO MANY ads on this platform from food companies claiming that eating their food is THE THING that will set you on the right path
while scrolling before posting this I saw a smoothie company claiming that getting their pre-portioned blends delivered directly will really lead to a "healthier, more sustainable you"
a superfood company who advertises "life transforming results" while working with impossibly vibrant peeps to begin with
a supplement company who's adaptogenic blends will lead you to "radical self care"
all in the matter of a few minutes
dude 🤦♀️ inundation and manipulation
on the surface I get it... these statements are so supportive and so innocuous
I can't help but think that statements like these set us all up to fail because it leads us to believe that eating simple, straightforward foods and the DIY process are unattainable and untenable
something about their product contains the magic ingredient you need to unlock the purest, most vibrant version of yourself
they're are nothing more than slick marketing tactics for overpriced goods you could hack together on your own
just the opinions of a baker so take it with a grain of salt 🙋♀️🤣 because I'm still selling something too (wild abandon, if you must know)
but I see how this could really fuck with people's heads and lead them to mistrust what they're eating
so the only safe remedy is what someone else is selling
I'm in the hippie camp of still being transformed by the love infused in a nanny's nourishing soup or an herbalist in her garden pulling up remedies for her family
more real, less gloss
in the meantime I'll be channeling the simple decadence of Sicilian bakeries and the straightforwardness of Scandinavian kitchens
while being grumpy like my Nanny 😂
conflict with capitalism
key limes + sea salt + spring water = fermented Florida magic
Like usual decided to bury a more serious post in a simple one about preservation methods
I spend a ton of time in conflict with capitalism
Embracing the system has never been my thing, been a reluctant participant forever
I've always put the needs of our customers and the quality of the product in the forefront-- structuring the business around both and certainly over profit
The amount of bartering we do has always felt good and totally outside of the normal flow of capital
The farmers' market's seasonality gives us the ability to reorganize and reorient ourselves year after year which is totally different than the corporate approach of more more more
Happy Belly has been on the slow growth path and we've been largely okay with that over the last decade
But lately because of shortages and inflation I've been looking at capitalism differently
We're kind of fucked if this thing falls apart without something else in its place
It's a lemons into lemonade situation
Sucks but it's all we got on the large scale
With that said...
I thought becoming a business owner would give me the freedom that I needed to create the vision I had (what an ego 😆)
I thought owning a business would help me create a better work-life balance than when I was working with a super abusive boss (now I abuse myself working 7 days/week and 10hr+ shifts)
I thought owning a business meant that I could write my own rules (not exactly)
Gonna be honest [and I know my entrepreneur friends out there get this!] but this business has taken over our lives, our home, our conversations, our vacations, our finances
Sometimes it doesn't feel like freedom. Sometimes it feels like prison. And we've let it happen by giving so much of ourselves to it
Sometimes it feels like the righteous path and sometimes it seems like a fool's errand
Sometimes I'm jealous of 9 to 5ers
I'm pissed that this is the system we're stuck in and know that in order to get ourselves in a better position we have to learn how to play the game, diversify our revenue streams, and double down on investing in ourselves
Real cost of it all though 🤦♀️
letting go of re-invention
I've been slowly letting go of my own "re-invention" for something more liberating
it feels like an endless and addictive pursuit that is rooted in the simplest of truths: there is something wrong with me and I'm not good enough as I am, so I need to change
re-invention is a way to keep my drive toward perfection hidden because it passes as a skill set
a way to be "more conscious"
a better me
it has attainable goals
but lately I've been seeing that the goal posts are constantly moving
and I'm the one who moves them
I can see that re-invention and self-improvement keeps me in a place of judgment about my essential nature
it's become clear that it's all a wheel I'm very interested in stepping away from
I think I'm more interested in going deeper into who I am, as I am
the uncovering and remembering of things that I've lost along the way
the liberation of no goals is real
it means acceptance of the complicated messiness and flawless beauty that is MONICA
and shows me that I can be there for myself in a way that holds spaces for the complexity of life without thinking that another class, another mentor, another self-help book, another modality, another whatever has the answers to fix me
which just means having enough control over myself and circumstances that I avoid feeling pain 🤷♀️🤦♀️
the only truth that seems to exist is that there is nothing to fix
Florida has been helping unwind all of this stuff by showing raw, unfiltered, life-or-death nature at my footsteps
getting me face to face with shit that can kill me
so here is sweet Lily
patiently observing, knowing how/when to expend her energy, exploring and understanding her environment, being curious
characteristics that are counterintuitive to everything I've been taught
an intelligence that is effortless and all her own
🐊big gator energy these days🐊
