solstice bake clips π got Celtic burial chambers, peat layers, bread kneading, this song, and vultures on the brain today
The rising sun and the setting sun exists within us. We turn toward and away from things all the time. A deep and profound waxing and waning, as steady as our breath
There is something about walking in these dark days that feels rich and potent and alive with the mystery of "whatever the fuck this whole thing is"
Brings us closer to each other
Makes us honor our dead and mortality
We went to Maeshowe on Orkney years ago when I was first pregnant with Callum. The burial chamber is positioned so that as the setting winter solstice sun beams right through the doorway, the light hits the back wall where the remains are laid and it brings the souls of the dead to heaven
Death and ascension. Resurrection and rebirth. Life everlasting. Body and soul. Physical and metaphysical
All major themes of our Neolithic past that are wound into our DNA
The vultures of time will have their way with us. We'll be bones, ashes, and artifacts. Momento mori
But tomorrow the sun still rises and I'm happy to see you all on the other side π
happy birthday brandon
Happy Birthday @brandon.of.bjerke π to the man someone on Yelp called rude, miserable, AND a jerk ππ€£ thank you for being an anchor to our craziness.
Me, Bea, and Ebby are all obsessed with you and it's only a matter of time before Elias realizes you're the cooler one π
Happy for 22 years of birthday celebrations together! Grateful for it all and for you!
darkness of the season
Embracing the darkness of the season π€ππ₯𧑠our spicy fig brownie will be @hudsonfarmersmarketny @beaconfarmersmarket this weekend
I'll take you around the wheel of flavor: black peppercorn, cayenne, @poordevilpepperco creeping death, smoked sweet paprika, Syrian pepper flakes, nutmeg, Ceylon cinnamon, more creeping death, allspice, ginger, and orange essential oil
When I tasted it this morning, it reminded me of the Solstice journey from dark into light. The buzzing heat acts as a bright light-- a guiding hand. Navigating you through the depths of darkness
The fig, cacao, Kona coffee, and coconut give it rich depth! The orange and spices enliven it!
Or it just tastes like a weird brownie π
my birthday
Soaring into my 40s π₯ and not giving a shit π¦
I've been feeling like this Birthday-- an entrance into a new decade and mid-life-- has been significant. More significant than any of the other ones
I'm happy to get older. To be happier, fiercer, plumper π my 30s have been about ripping apart everything I thought I knew and honestly taking a look at the scaffolding that exists underneath
My 40s will be for the rebuild
I honestly feel like a brand new baby on the start of my second-half life. I don't know myself much anymore. I am me, but many things have changed. I'm not the same person I used to be. I'm not the same mother, lover, baker. It all coincides with the entrance of Elias into our family and the most true confirmation of the spiritual path I've had
So on the 1st (my birthday and the New Moon in Sag) I took a Shamanic Dream Class rooted in the Celtic tradition with a teacher I've been working with for years. It reminded me of the power that I have access to, the realness of our energetic life, and of the thinness of the veil that "separates" this world from that world. As a group, we worked together to shake off the shit and hold space for the pain spoken to us in dreamspace
And yesterday, @brandon.of.bjerke organized a hawk walk with @falconryexcursions for all of us to experience
I thank these people for allowing me to be myself. Especially my mother @lindamariebunt for being by my side through the hardest shit imaginable and giving me the space to find my way. Through the mistakes, fuck ups, and grace. I love you so much it hurts
To my babies, each bringing life and death to the things I thought I knew. Helping me grow in all the ways I'm MOST uncomfortable and letting me rest my heart in the love we share. Your angelic voices led me through the darkest tunnels when I was blind
And to my partner @brandon.of.bjerke π WTAF did we sign up for? Without you, none of this would be possible. Not just yesterday, but all the days. We dreamed of this life together and now we have it. Next question is what are we going to do going forward? Big question... yes. But hand-in-hand feels good and honest. Open hearts beaming toward the horizon at sunrise
22 years
22 years together 𧑠this trip has been about rememberance
I'm seeing and honoring the many versions of "us" that have been in existence over the last 22 years together
Some worked better than others π€£ but nevertheless, each version taught us a lot about ourselves in both joy and struggle
By coming to our second home-- Brandon's birthplace-- the last 18 years together, it's easy to revisit those old stories and people we used to be
I've been paying my respects to all those sides and letting the tradewinds and the waves wash it away
Not gonna lie, it's been hard-fought, but this timelines feels good right now and that's enough
Happy Belly has been influenced by the flavors, vibrancy, mana, and aloha of HI πππ₯ but it's mostly been a story of love. Our love of each other. Our love of this land. Our love of community. Our love of healing foods.
I'm really glad you are all alongside us while we explore the depths and keep feeding you. Thank you from the bottoms of our hearts
Happy Anniversary @brandon.of.bjerke for everything we build together
pele as mother
Pele as Mother: there has been so much beauty and so much pain on this trip
I've been in a process of deep integration. Pulling together a vast story that connects the old me and the new me-- the version before two dead children, the version with two living ones
The last time we were on the Big Island was 8 years ago. I was pregnant with Callum (second picture). Full of so much hope. Innocent about what laid before us
Back then I went to Pele's home-- Halema'uma'u-- at the volcano creter to ask what kind of offering I could give her
I heard back: "raising your children in my tradition is enough"
Pele has been a Master Teacher to me for a very very long time. I never thought I was deserving of her shoulder tap
When Callum died in labor, it was Pele beside me. She initiated me. I felt lava flowing through me as gravity and contractions helped move his dead body down-- burning me from the inside out. Setting fire to my entire life
And then Bea came. Fiery and passionate, with the deepest strength imaginable to come to two parents who were so broken. Ea is her middle name-- Hawaiian for sovereignty and Celtic for fire. She brought us back from the edge
Iona's death was different. Similar to Callum's-- 41 weeks and during labor. But instead of grief and suffering, everything was easeful. There was grace, joy, and remembrance. Her death was fertile. I knew without a doubt there was life after this one because of her
And then Elias came. Before Iona died, I saw him. After Iona died, she brought him to me in a meditation to formally meet. I heard the ancients call forth his Hawaiian name in a dream: KΔnekoa. When koa falls in the forest, the tree takes root instead of rot-- it becomes stronger and spreads. My everlasting boy
I'm still learning many lessons with Pele-- less fire and more growth these days though
I wanted a picture of us at the greenest, oldest section of Volcanoes NP. Lost in the wilds, with my children by my side, in the land Pele grew
The old me is gone. She beautifully birthed this life through sheer will, foolishness, faith, and fire
I thank God everyday for B, Bea, and E-- sticking it out with me on this crazy shitshow of a journey
tradewinds
dissolve: the tradewinds have been strong since we've been here. The first night I could feel a massive readjustment to my body. Lots and lots of anxieties/ stress/overwork/emotional pain rose to the surface with my body being back in it's home frequency
Every time I tried to fall asleep my body would hit the panic button and have me gasping for air. It honestly felt like a mini dark night of the soul π€£ I went into a downward grief spiral thinking I was stuck in that space and would be forever. A making peace with death moment
After way too long sitting in that darkness, I decided to follow the panic gasp. Get curious about why it was happening and settle in the space of not being able to breathe. Where would I turn up if I let it swallow me
I could tell that the wind had something to do with it. It's strength-- constantly blowing into my room-- loud and gusty, registered as a threat. It was nervous system overload
Anyway, I felt moved to breath deeply and harmonize with it. To dissolve into it. Let it do it's magic.
The wind went from menace to playful. It danced around my skin and felt like a calling to let go.
So since that night I've been shaking NY and Happy Belly out of my system. Dissolving into the ether and into nature. Melting into my family and my role as guide/mother. It has been so uncomfortable. Edge of the world shit.
My body knows this place. 22 visits here in this lifetime and many pivotal ones I've explored in past life regression work. But it's been over 4 years since we've been back. Here for a month during the start of COVID and lockdowns while the whole world shifted.
We've filled that time in other ways, but having lost Iona and had Elias in that period is fucking wild. These islands have been our homebase for a long time. But I've become a stranger to their energy and their love.
All to say that we decided to extend our trip by another week. We'll be back for markets on the 23rd now. Heading to the Big Island today to dive deeper into the edge of the world energy and dance more in the fire π₯
sense-makers lost in the depths
grief is gutting
it's bloody messy
it has no timeline
it doesn't care that you don't have time for it
it's a gut punch
a reality check
a reorientation
a grand sifting
if you let it, it will change everything about you
if you don't let it, it will still change everything about you
this is my grandmother
this my daughter
the purest moment between two souls
the one who just arrived and the one soon departing
years ago, on the precipice of a new chapter of our family
this embrace is everything to me
a relic of a time when she was still in the flesh and able to hold us with everything stripped away
I understand why I dip into the mystical realm
it's all in an attempt to keep the dead alive
I watched Hillbilly Elegy yesterday and wept
I know the feeling of my grandmother being the planet I orbited around when my life was chaos
she was the gravity that grounded me
and her roots are still alive in me, my mother, my children, our family
our journey is in her blood
to all those grieving right now, you're not alone
we're all sense-makers lost in the depths
my Lebanese, Syrian, Scottish, and Irish roots are because of this woman and the wound is wide fucking open
there is nothing more important than this:
the love of the ones we have and the love of the ones we've lost
remembering tonight that we will reunite in spirit when our body is gone
open arms and open hearts
forever in embrace
child and grandmother
purity of the beginning and the end
having an infant is hard work
collapse π when I was newly diagnosed with Celiac Disease back in 2006ish, there were very few options on the market
This was the time before smart phones and apps, so it was all word of mouth. My dad saw an article in the Times Herald Record that a gluten free bakery opened up in Goshen NY
Brandon and I would regularly drive down from Albany just to stock up on safe food
It was wonderful-- run by two sisters who had Celiac Disease, a line constantly out the door, and a community built around them of people needing a haven
They were baking around the clock
It went from the two of them to their family to a couple employees. They expanded their product line to meet customer demand. Whatever they made, sold. High quality (pre-gums and stabilizers) gluten free. OG π
But they were too successful
And the weight of that success literally crushed them to the point that they closed
Sweet passion project became no time for their families outside of working together, a non-stop list of tasks, neverending requests and ways to expand
The need was dire for us Celiac peeps at that time and they were gracious enough to put their lives on hold for us for a while
And I get it... sometimes it's easier to close than to pivot, stay small, and let tons of people down
This is all to say that we too are at the crossroads
It's either stop Happy Belly completely or make some serious changes to keep our sanity
So we are completely dropping wholesale accounts
If you need to get our baked goods, we can ship them to you through our website or you can arrange to pick them up at our farmers market in Hudson and Beacon (and Woodstock, when we're there)
We can't meet demand without a massive shift in our business, space, and priorities and we have a baby π€·ββοΈ so this is the way it is
We love you guys and we'll keep providing the best of what we do, but no more wholesale
Oh yeah, advertising! Brown bread will be at market this weekend π€£
blood calling
The Outliers: we were once called "outliers" by a friend who stopped by the food truck years ago for lunch. She was right. I'm happy to occupy that space
No one knows what to expect from us and that is a good thing
If you haven't noticed, we're moving away from sweets and more toward savories like this black sesame mochi baguette π I want to offer more weekly staples
I've been thinking more and more about the vision I have for our "gluten free bakery". I'm seeing it's just to explore and experiment as much as possible
I really love GF food that stands alone. Adding gums and starches and modifiers to healthy GF ingredients to mimic gluten breads or pastries has never been my thing
I go back to the old world-- to the work of our ancestors
Hearty Scandinavian soaked grain, nut, and seed loaves our people ate. Meant to be stored for long journeys on foot or across oceans. One slice is enough to sustain you
The sweet gluttonous rice treats from Hawaii/China/ Japan/SE Asia that are part of Brandon's heritage-- unparalleled in texture and variability π my absolute favorite to work with
The flatbread tradition that sustains the Middle East π seeing my people in Lebanon and Syria, Cyprus and Sicily making flatbreads in stone ovens feels like a blood calling. I get sweaty watching it and wishing I could work with wheat
But I'm doing something different because of circumstance
Always with the mind of a child and the wisdom of an adult
With a willingness to play for the sake of play and the willingness to dive deep into the parameters of my ingredients
I'm glad it's resonating with everyone, glad you're all outliers like us π
Food will free us π
how we meet god
a single spark lights the fire π₯
this was the message that came through to me this past Tuesday when a small group of friends got together for an energy session with the "pearl of grief"
I held the space-- acting as a guide and a guardian
but we were mostly held by the roots and fruits of the apple tree we journeyed under
by the protectiveness of the horses that surrounded us, who totally knew what was up
the crows, croaking in their guttural way, making sure we knew they were watching
the construction equipment heard in the distance that reminded me the whole time that we're all excavating works-in-progress
the energetic cobra I wrapped around the space to keep unwanted things at bay
and the feedback from my friends who trusted me (and my journey through death/rebirth!) enough to help me figure out what this pearl actually is
π
we opened up portals into the heart, head, and womb-- major energy centers of our bodies-- to bring the radiance of the pearl in and then shine it outward
I keep seeing that all of this work is about how we meet ourselves
and how we meet God too (God as creator, but also the God within each of us and everything around us)
the divine light that created each of us is a blessing from the heavens and the most magical incantation imaginable-- the single spark that lit the fire
anyway, very thankful to keep exploring this world with my people π and very thankful to @ebuwel for hosting at her potent spot
stepping forward
I've been avoiding stepping into whatever force is calling me forward
it's death work
as a rite, as an initiation, as a way of living
and I'm scared
talking about grief and death has been easy work for me-- there are a lot of resources to process in this way
but the body work has been so fucking hard
my body holds on and doesn't know how to let go until I do some conscious practice to make it safe
at night when I'm slow and quiet and trying to get to sleep, I've been spending time in meditation with the "pearl of grief"
this pearl initiated me into the death of Callum, the death of myself, and the death of Iona
it showed me it's vastness and it's compassion
it's ability to meet you right where you're at
to absorb and transform whatever you need to bring to it, it can take it all and fill you right up with love
a couple weeks ago it showed me the visualizations needed to bring people in
the flushing out of their chakra system through energy of the sacred waterfall and the quiet of the forest
it showed a clearing among trees where it can live and what happens when you allow the glow and hum to vibrate all around
I can see I'm meant to walk people through to this space, like a connector in a formal meeting
but it's meant to be a decentralized healing
once introduced, everyone has access to it all the time-- it will meet them in whatever space they need
anyway, I've been hesitant because I keep getting told that these session should happen in person first and I'm really scared of putting myself out there with energy work
so, with the most tender of hearts, I'm going to start offering small sessions to whoever can meet in person during the week
if you want to coordinate details please let me know in this post or DM, I'll put together a list to figure something out
I'm thinking once a week for a month or so, to see the potency and potential of working in group dynamics
and then moving to Zoom to see if the magic is still there
deeper places in my heart
nursing Elias at 2am and thinking what a miracle life is π
I'm regularly overtaken by the gravity of this whole thing-- raising kids, running a business, maintaining relationships, loving myself
Always trying to get to deeper and deeper places of my heart and spirit that I've abandoned over the years, over lifetimes
One of those is allowing myself the time to rest and reflect without thinking that everything we've built will be coming down the instant we're not in work mode
What wisdom and what foolishness π a symptom pointing to some ancient ailment
Letting life take you is hard work
The surrender of it all requires practice and trust-- a total oxymoron
Built into each of us is the capacity and propensity for change
Whether we TRY or we LET GO, evolution is so intertwined in our DNA that it's going to happen regardless of how much or how little we want to control it
It's like a freight-train, it's like the lapping tide, it's like beach breeze: it just is and it just happens
Anyway, this past trip to visit with our family I was struck by what we've all built and who we're raising
Being stewards of the next generation is a reward and a fucking miracle
Being a parent is the most mundane monumental task and the most heart-opening initiation imaginable
True bravery for the real ones β
This is LOVE in a few pictures and a deep thanks for letting us have this time away
happy death day to callum
Happy Death Day to Callum π it felt so protected and sacred all those years ago. Even in the worst moments of heartbreak, it felt right that we lost him. Same goes for his second life with me as Iona
My labor with him took days
I blamed myself for it taking so long. I convinced myself that I wasn't open enough to receive him
I remember going into meditation to visualize his soul-- tethered to a string, reaching into the heavens-- taking the journey down to earth
Callum's soul stopped in the stars, about half way down
No matter what I did it wouldn't come closer. I thought it was me, so I prayed for clarity
I could feel my dad and our old dog, Maeby, come into the room
I thought it was a welcomed sign-- the ancestors bestowing their love and blessings before the new baby came into the family. It never occurred to me that they came to shepherd him home
Later that afternoon, I was soaking in a small horse trough we had set up as a pool. I was riding contractions and getting my heart ready to meet my baby
Brandon said it came to him from somewhere to ask when I felt Callum last. That's when I realized it had been hours since he moved
The vast emptiness hit. There was life and then there was nothing
And then we got ushered into the initiation
Maybe the only initiation in life that matters
I've been on the deepest quest to bring my children earthside and to understand how souls come into being-- how our children choose us, what happens when their journey is to died instead of live, why did I choose this to experience in this lifetime, and a million more
Iona's death really settled a lot of the anger and bitterness I had from losing Callum (especially since it was my introduction into motherhood)
I feel freer to love the two babies who did decide to stick with us and to know our life is exactly as it should be. It's much easier not denying or fighting our reality
Anyway, here is Callum's shelf before Iona's ashes came back from the crematorium. And here we are about month ago-- happy, relaxed, and in love with each other
I'm always grateful for the death of Callum-- for setting my life ablaze, bringing me to my purpose, + showing me who I really am
pearl of grief
Last night I had an energy class with a long-time teacher
He typically channels the magic of Merlin and the Holy Grail during sessions, but lately he's been working with two beings: Olivia and The Beautiful One
Olivia hasn't incarnated as a human in over 6000 years. The Beautiful One has never been human-- always spirit. They both bring their distinct signatures to healings and it's been wonderful to watch my teacher bring them to us
I remember years ago being scared of stuff like this. Thinking it was beyond weird and made up to satisfy the inflated ego of a teacher who wanted to be a guru
I felt that way until getting ready to lose Callum
A couple years before, feeling some initiation on the horizon, I dove deep into reiki as a way to heal my back issues (when nothing else would) and get in touch with something missing inside of my heart
I spent time training, receiving, and giving
I spent time walking the path in front of me. Not knowing where it would take me next, somehow I would always find my footing
Eventually I found teachers, both in body and in spirit. I found medicine, both in plant and in ether. I found that lost part of myself too. The spirit of wonder/curiosity/play that I put away (or that was shamed out of me), slowly came back
I found depths and reserves I didn't know I had access to within myself
And then I got tested
Callum died
I birthed
I remember the purity of grief I felt. Like everything had been washed in the most sacred water
Crystal cleansed
A spring had sprung open
And with it a floating, milky white giant pearl appeared as the "purity of grief" taking shape
It appeared to me again last night when we worked with Olivia and The Beautiful One about what we want to bring into the world
I worked with this pearl for a while and thought I might bring it to groups to heal, but I knew the timing wasn't right. I would need to feel more of it's shape and experience more death/grief
I think the time is coming though
I think the pearl can help with the existential shit we're all going through
I think I'll start offering sessions soon with small groups, as an incubator. Let me know if you want to join in!
solstice love
Big Solstice love π we hadn't planned on going to Maine, but by the end of market last Saturday I pulled something in my upper back and was miserable
I couldn't lift or bake anything. I had trouble swallowing without it sending sharp spasms through my shoulders. I could feel the tweak all the way down to my hands. It was arresting and I was randomly screaming when I moved too quickly one way or another. Worst of all, breastfeeding was almost impossible
Anyway! I needed a physical break and didn't want to spend the week recovering in the heat, so we decided to go to Portland on a whim. We spent a night of food research, found some absolutely incredible places, and everything fell into place
We skipped wholesale this week. We ate, drank, beached, relaxed (did some yelling too π€ͺ because parenting)-- and now I'm all loosey goosey
I will say that things have really shifted in my heart because of Elias
I don't want to miss out on having a life with my children because of the requirements of our business. Bitterness erupts in me when I'm tending to HB more than my family/myself (happens too much).
I would like for this to continue sustaining us-- but it needs to be sustainable for where we're at as a family-- roots first and then the blossoming out!
So we're going to prioritize away time with family this year. We can only give so much of ourselves to any one thing and when we're spread thin things like injuries flair up
What this means: we'll be missing a couple weekends here and there throughout the remainder of the market season. We'll give you heads ups and reminders to stock up while we're away. Largely nothing will change though
So, on this Solstice, take care! And do the thing your heart is calling for. We only live this life once and it might as well be enjoyed
two-way street
Reminder that this is a two way street: when you let us feed your family, you help take care of our family π€©π€
And this is what we love about the model of business we've chosen-- the mutuality of care and community. You know us. We know you.
Intimate
Personal
Real
elias kanekoa
Elias KΔnekoa Bjerke is earthside π
Four months after we lost Iona, we decided to step back into the fire and was greeted with the easiest pregnancy possible
No stress, all intuition-- just our little family focused on each other for 10 full months
This sweetie reminded me everyday that he was coming and that things would be different this time around
I just needed to step aside, listen when I got lost, and trust that a feather bed was awaiting the jump off the edge of the cliff
if one woman can do it, all women can do it
a choice to suffer: I had a conversation with a customer-friend at market this Saturday about suffering and choice
She is my kind of person-- an honest, straight-shooter who others might mistake for being rude
She flatly said to me that babies/birthing is the area in my life where I've chosen to suffer. The area where I will learn the hardest lessons because my soul chose
She shared that she never had a problem with that, but she suffers from deep and long-lasting self-hatred. A published author, college professor, respected in her community, a mother and grandmother-- successful by many measures-- who absolutely loathes herself
As we were talking, I found myself in one of those out-of-body moments where I was hearing myself speaking about myself
I found myself wholeheartedly saying: "what was my suffering became liberation"
I couldn't believe it π€― but it felt right
My friend is not wrong at all-- I chose to do the absolute deepest work possible (for me) this time around
To bravely step into it all
To have experiences that would push me to my breaking point. Experiences that are rare and unique, that deal with our existence and who we *really* are
Things that would strip so much of my programming away, so I get closer and closer to ME
Sovereign
Embodied love
Grace of God
Family
It seems like the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and our pain are ultimately hackable
We can create new pathways in our brains based on choosing to do something different or by allowing life to rewire us-- the constant cycle of birth, death, and rebirth
There's a great quote from a radical freebirth midwife: "if one woman can do it, all women can do it"
One of us doing the impossible is like the priming of a well
Digging deep for the ease of others who are coming along
Those waters are here for us all
We're all miracles. Being HERE is a literal miracle π and our pain/suffering can set us free instead of keeping us in chains. We just have to choose a different path and new eyes
Anyway, I thank these two for allowing me to do the work I came here to do and reminding me how loved I am when I'm in the depths of my pain
βοΈnothing but sunshine and rainbowsπ
magic of the unseen
silence: one year of Iona π
it has been a year of the most sacred silence of my life
I've felt guided to let go of many things
all in an effort to keep close to God
all in an effort to hear myself more clearly
hasn't been much of an effort actually, so much got washed away after Iona died and silence was the only thing that felt comfortable
a couple weeks before her birth I started reading about the life of St Columba on the Isle of Iona-- Columba is Callum's namesake
Columba came to the Hebrides with St Oran in tow
the monks tried to build a Catholic chapel on the land, but it fell each time they worked
Columba heard a voice say that the ground needed to be consecrated for the walls to stand
St Oran was the living sacrifice
they buried him under the dirt of Iona
three days later, wanting to know the secrets of the afterlife, Columba dug him up
a reanimated Oran said "the way you think it is may not be the way it is at all"
Columba ordered him to be buried again so they couldn't hear more and they proceeded to built the still-standing chapel around him
in the middle of laboring at home, I was screaming into the rage that was stored in me and working itself out with each wave
with Iona's spirit bearing witness and fully out of her body, I found myself repeating: "you will not bury us"
all for Callum
all for my initiation into motherhood
all because my mothering of Bea felt completely swallowed and occupied by his death
something shifted in those moments during that birth, something got released that was never meant to stay with me and some bit of heaven washed in
it will take time to understand what Iona's death has brought me, but just days after I felt lighter and returned to a truth I hadn't touched since being a child
the journey with her is still going
I can feel her in my energy field and I have been working with that every day
anyway, here is the seaweed, whirlpools, blue ocean, and wind-swept grass from my time on Iona and my baby's hair which reminded me of the sacredness of that holy place
celebrating: the holiness and joy death can bring, the magic of the unseen, and things are not always what they seem to be
